What you will learn from reading Say It and Solve It
How to Master Conversations: Techniques to steer talks and achieve your goals.
How to Improve Your Listening: 3 fail-proof tips for better listening.
How to Wow with Words : 5 powerful storytelling techniques.
Say It and Solve It Book Summary
Engaging conversations are a form of action; indeed, they propel us forward. Thus, in the ensuing chapters, Karl James aims to equip readers with the skills needed to enhance the quality and outcome of dialogues. The goal is to reveal the mechanisms that influence the direction and success of a conversation. James will guide through the effects of various adjustments, showing how subtle changes can yield significant impacts. Moreover, he aspires to empower readers to navigate even the most challenging discussions, whether they involve daunting individuals or high-stress situations.
Meaningful dialogues are catalysts for transformation and relationship enhancement. They facilitate accomplishments and synergize diverse skills. While life and work might seem less complicated without the need for significant conversations, engaging in these discussions is essential for progress, innovation, and learning in our professional lives. Open dialogue with colleagues, superiors, team members, suppliers, clients, and customers is crucial. These interactions allow us to overcome obstacles, seize opportunities, and, importantly, by focusing on the quality of our exchanges, we not only achieve new heights but also forge stronger, more meaningful relationships.
Part 1 – The Skills
The Dynamics of Timing and Setting
The concept of Time and Space transcends mere clocks and geography. Karl James emphasises the importance of not just allocating time in one’s schedule for meaningful conversations but also considering the timing of these discussions, as its impact is relative.
Thirty minutes in the morning, when one is alert and ready to engage, vastly differs from an end-of-day conversation, burdened by the day’s stresses. Thus, the essence of time in conversation hinges on the quality of engagement rather than the sheer passage of minutes.
The suitability of conversation settings varies; some discussions thrive across a table, while others are more conducive side by side on a sofa. Making intentional choices about these settings is crucial. However, creating a conducive space involves more than just physical arrangements—it’s about the energy and attention invested in the time spent with another person.
To facilitate a conversation that truly matters, consider the following checklist to ensure the right conditions of Time and Space are established:
CHECKLIST FOR THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE:
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Is the environment conducive to focus, free from distractions?
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Is the setting quiet enough to hear each other without straining over background noise?
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Does the atmosphere allow for a relaxed state, or does the location induce unnecessary tension?
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Can the conversation remain private without the risk of eavesdroppers?
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Is there ample time allocated to cover the conversation fully, or is it unfairly compressed?
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Are both parties mentally present, without underlying issues that might detract from the conversation?
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Does the physical barrier of a table facilitate or hinder the dialogue?
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Are both individuals in a state conducive to both talking and listening effectively, or are adjustments needed for stress, hunger, or tiredness?
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Is there an agreement to minimise distractions by turning off or setting aside mobile phones?
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Could the ambiance be improved by adjusting harsh lighting in favour of softer, more comforting light sources?
10 Essential Elements for Masterful Conversations:
At the core of any impactful conversation lies 10 essential skills.
First, there are 3 things you should know about these 10 skills.
1. There’s no particular order to them. (Except for the first one.)
2. None of them will be new to you.
3. You already do some of them. And, the point is, you need to become aware of what it is you’re doing and not doing.
1. Navigating: Looking after the journey of a conversation to keep it purposeful, safe and, crucially, with someone.
2. Listening: How to notice small things. (That other people might not.)
3. Describing: How to help other people understand you. (Really understand you.)
4. Checking: Making sure you really understand what someone means. (Instead of assuming you do.)
5. Probing: Digging a bit deeper, finding out more.
6. Balancing: Making sure you have the richest perspective possible.
(Looking at things from both sides now.)
7. Pausing: Creating time to think.
8. Suspending: Having a genuinely open mind. (And keeping it that way.)
9. Disclosing: Saying what you really think. (Without upsetting people.)
10. Building: Adding to and enhancing someone else’s idea. (Rather than suggesting another one.
Chapter 1 – Navigating – Taking on the journey
Navigating is about awareness. It is about noticing what’s happening in a conversation and acting on it. And in a conversation where there’s plenty at stake, without Navigation you can easily and dangerously stray off course.
Staying aware of the conversation we’re having while we’re having it isn’t exactly rocket science. In a way, it’s a simple idea but, for a lot of us, it can be a really hard thing to do. Why? Because there are a lot of very human reasons not to! Powerful human reasons like emotions, desires and habits.
Navigating is the right word, too, because it’s really about managing the journey of a conversation; from the beginning to the end.
At the beginning of a conversation, it’s about agreeing three things.
1. What we’re talking about.
2. Why we’re talking about it.
3. What kind of a conversation we’re prepared (and not prepared) for it to be.
As you get into the body of a conversation, Navigating’s about:
1. Gently “pulling the tiller” when necessary, to keep things on course, adjusting as you go along.
2. Making the most of opportunities and minimising risk.
3. Harnessing the potential of a conversation and maximising its effectiveness.
And then, towards the end of the conversation, it’s about:
1. Making sure everything’s been covered that could have been.
2. Pulling together the outcomes and optimising the value of the conversation.
3. Learning from what’s happened here and already looking ahead to the next time.
Awareness of time
When things take too long – or maybe aren’t explored long enough – if you Navigate, you can beat the clock before it beats you.
For example: “We said we’d spend only 15 minutes on this subject, guys. We’re 20 minutes over that now. What shall we do?”
Location, location, location
Now – what about where we are? Every good Navigator will have a strong sense of where the journey’s taking us:
“Hmmm. We’re back talking about money again, aren’t we? And we had some good reasons why we decided to avoid that until we know more about the budget. Do we want to revisit our decision to stay away from it? Or shall we move on to talk about the vision?”
As you can see, Navigation isn’t about control; it’s about making visible what’s invisible. There’s a lot to be said sometimes for recognition of when you’re exactly where you said you wanted to be.
One direction
Right at the beginning of a conversation is when you should Navigate to make this explicit.
As things move on, it’s nearly always worth a reminder of what the central purpose of the conversation is. Little nudges in the right direction can save so much time. It’s tempting for any number of reasons to get drawn into one kind of activity when you’ve said you’d focus on another. Navigating is the essential tool when you want to avoid mission creep.
Feeling your way
And then there’s the awareness of the emotional temperature in the room that can need adjusting. Sometimes things can get a bit too heated:
“I can tell there’s a lot of hot blood around this subject. People clearly feel passionately about this, which is great. But, there’ve been a few raised voices now. I think we need as much left brain input as we do right brain. Can I suggest we take a little break? Just so people get a chance to calm down a little bit?”
And sometimes things can get too cool:
“It feels to me like we’re discussing an Excel spreadsheet here. I’m not hearing much gut feel. Is it just me or could we do with a bit more provocation here?”
It’s worth saying again that Navigating isn’t about manipulating a conversation. It’s about picking up on some obvious symptoms; noticing what’s apparent to one person.
Energy
If anyone has the awareness to notice that the energy has changed in the room, it’s usually a hugely constructive thing to say it out loud:
“Just looking around the table, I think fatigue might be setting in. I can see on people’s faces a slight weariness. And the level of excitement we had an hour or so ago has definitely gone walkabout. Shall we call an emergency tea break?
Summary:
1. Navigating is about keeping the conversation purposeful, safe and collective.
2. Awareness is the key. Notice and acknowledge what happens on the journey of the conversation.
3. When you Navigate, your job is not to judge, but to draw attention.
Chapter 2 Listening
Listening is the cornerstone of all conversation skills. It enables us to not only understand the words but also the context, the subtle shifts in tone, language, pace, and passion that convey deeper meanings.
Listening to:
From childhood, we are taught to listen to authority figures like parents and teachers, and as adults, to our colleagues and clients. This fundamental type of listening helps us gather facts and essential information. It involves being attentive to what is being said and interpreting the spoken words. Additionally, adept listeners pay attention to the silences between phrases, allowing for a more comprehensive understanding.
Tips for Improving Basic Listening Skills:
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Position yourself well: Ensure you have a clear view of the speaker without obstructions.
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Optimise your hearing: Stay close enough to hear clearly, especially in amplified settings.
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Prepare physically and mentally: Ensure you are not distracted by basic needs or electronic devices.
Listening for:
As our listening skills refine, we start noticing not just what is said but how it’s said. This includes picking up on a speaker’s emotional state and other non-verbal cues. Effective listening can reveal much about a person’s mood or frame of mind.
What can we Listen for more?
If you really pay attention and tune in to someone, you can Listen for someone’s emotional state, their mood, their frame of mind, their energy. These things will tell you just as much as the content sometimes. It’s a practice. It’s something you can learn to do, and do better by doing regularly.
When something does happen, when maybe a phrase sticks out for some reason, you don’t need to deliver a comprehensive analysis of what it was. All you need to do is surface it. Make it visible.
Here are some simple examples of how and where Listening for like this might prompt you to speak up:
“Gosh, your voice changed completely when you talked about your time in Asia.”
“I noticed that you Paused for a while, before you answered that question. I wonder what you were thinking then.”
Listen for clues, like a detective.
Dick Mullender is a police negotiator. He taught Karl James to get into the habit of Listening forensically like a detective; Listening for clues. You’ll find it an incredibly revealing thing to do. Listen for small things: little moments of hesitation, discomfort. The held breath. The slight catch in the voice. The unexpected mistakes. And again, all you have to do is notice these things. Out loud.
Listening from:
We’re all subjective. We can only perceive the world through our own experience of it. And the truth is, we all start from different places. We have different filters; different gauzes that make us see the world through our own lens.
So, part of being a great Listener is acknowledging that those differences are present and real. And useful. Fascinating, even. And certainly eyeopening
So if you’re working with someone who is different to you, older, younger, more or less experienced, an expert in maths or physics, a hardened battler through trade union negotiations – it doesn’t matter what the difference is. Be bold enough to acknowledge it. And you’ll find yourself better positioned than ever, to Listen and learn well.
Listening with:
To truly Listen, to authentically Listen with is to empathise. And to imagine what it’s like to hear and perceive the world differently. With their likes and dislikes, their perspectives and prejudices. To come as close as we can to sitting beside someone different to us and Listen with them through their window on the world. This is a place from which we can learn. This is a place from which we can grow. If we can Listen with others, we can mature and develop a richer view of their world and ours.
Key Thoughts on Listening Effectively
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Focus Your Attention: Ensure you are free from distractions. Make sure you can clearly see and hear the person you’re listening to.
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Adopt a Comprehensive Listening Approach:
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Listen to: Engage without distractions.
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Listen for: Keep an open mind and be alert to subtle hints.
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Listen through: Avoid biases based on the speaker’s voice or accent.
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Listen from: Recognise and respect differences.
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Listen with: Empathise with those who have different perspectives.
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Observe Subtleties: Like a detective, pay attention to the minor details—the pauses, the nuances. Focus on both what is said and how it is said, including non-verbal cues.
Chapter 3 Describing – Points well made and mysteries explained
The choice of words and the manner in which they are delivered can greatly enhance the clarity and impact of a description. Whether it’s selecting the right vocabulary or the tone in which those words are spoken, both elements are crucial in vividly conveying our feelings and intentions.
Consider the statement, “I need to find a way to start enjoying my job again. I’m not going to quit. I want to make this work. With you.” This reflects a pivotal moment in a conversation that can deeply influence the listener and potentially change the course of the discussion.
However, effective description isn’t always about intense, focused moments. Sometimes, it involves a broader approach, where paying extra attention to both the content and delivery of our words can enhance the entire conversation, making it more expressive and impactful.
Take me there
Understanding someone else’s perspective is essential in any significant conversation, especially when the stakes are high. Recognizing differences is often a key challenge. These differences can appear in various forms, whether in professional settings or everyday life.
Often, we need to convey experiences that our listeners have not personally encountered. For example, describing a meeting with new partners in Shanghai or a consumer research trip to a rural store in England. The way we describe these experiences can greatly influence whether our listeners feel as if they’ve been there with us.
Many of us might find it difficult to start explaining such experiences, feeling overwhelmed before we even begin. Common phrases like “I can’t even begin to tell you how busy it’s been,” or “I’m under incredible pressure. You have no idea,” express these challenges. These phrases show how hard it can be to put our experiences into words that others can truly understand.
Effective Description Techniques
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Use Examples: To clarify your point, use the phrase, “for example.” This approach provides a concise, trustworthy way to illustrate your point with real-life scenarios. Examples are more than just ideas; they are evidence. They add depth to your statements and serve as mini-stories or case studies that substantiate your main points. Even if you can’t think of one immediately, starting with “Let me give you an example of what I mean…” will help you find a relevant story.
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Repetition for Emphasis: When you find yourself struggling for words, repeating a phrase can enhance your message. This technique allows you to emphasize what you’re saying, giving you a chance to deliver the same words with greater impact. A pause followed by a repeated phrase, especially if spoken softly or slowly, can be very powerful.
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Simplicity: Use short sentences and be concise. The more concise your wording, the clearer your point. Editing down your language not only makes your message easier to understand but also shows thoughtful preparation.
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Choose Stronger Verbs: Improve the impact of your descriptions by selecting more dynamic verbs. For instance, replace “did” with “transformed,” “looked at” with “analyzed,” and “ask” with “interrogate.” Elevating your verb choices can make your descriptions more compelling.
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Understand Communication Styles: Recognise the different ways people process information:
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Visual: These individuals prefer to see things to understand, often using phrases like “I see” or preferring to watch news rather than read it.
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Auditory: They respond to what they hear, saying things like “that sounds good” and valuing discussions and spoken feedback.
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Kinesthetic: These people prefer tactile or physical interactions, using expressions like “let’s move things on” or “grasp the nettle” to express urgency or understanding.
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Key thoughts
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A great description can elevate a routine conversation to something extraordinary. The more creativity and energy you put into your words, the more impactful they become for your listeners.
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Using examples, repeating key points, keeping sentences short, and choosing vivid language will make your message more engaging.
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Recognize and utilise the different ways people communicate. Incorporate a mix of visual, auditory, and kinesthetic language to effectively convey your message to a diverse audience.
Chapter 4 Checking – The modest key to a golden door
Checking in during conversations can greatly enhance your relationship with the person you’re speaking to by making them feel truly understood.
It involves confirming that you’ve accurately grasped what the other person meant, not just what they said. Before sharing your perspective, it’s important to reflect their thoughts back to them. This could be as simple as saying:
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“Right, so what you’re saying is…”
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“Let me just check I’ve got this right…”
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“Okay, so for you the most important thing is…”
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“So, in other words…”
You might think this step is unnecessary and worry it might waste time. However, misunderstandings are common. We often only partially grasp what others mean, despite our best intentions. If everyone communicated clearly and listened attentively at all times, checking might not be needed, but that’s not the world we live in.
By checking quickly and frequently, you actually save time because it prevents the need to revisit parts of the conversation later.
Key thoughts
1. Resist the temptation to jump in with your opinion and instead first Check you understand. It keeps you in close contact with what the other person means.
2. Do it little and often. Make it a habit. The rewards will become clear.
3. Do it for them, not just for you. Focus on improving your understanding. But know that by doing so, your partner in conversation will become clearer on what they mean.
Chapter 5 Probing – The art of digging deeper
Probing in a conversation helps you get to the core of an issue by asking insightful questions. Here’s how to do it effectively:
1- Understanding Type of Questions:
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Closed Questions: These encourage concise answers, sometimes just “yes” or “no.” Examples include:
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“Are you a sports fan?”
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“Have you done this kind of role before?”
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“What do you prefer, PC or Mac?”
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“Where were you born?”
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“When’s your birthday?” Closed questions help kickstart conversations with shy people, drill down to specifics, or follow a trail of information to a conclusion.
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Open Questions: These are designed to elicit broader, deeper responses, ideal for exploring thoughts and feelings more fully.
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Using a mix of closed and open questions, like a combination of punches in boxing, can enhance your probing effectiveness.
2 – Using Why:
Asking “Why?” repeatedly digs deeper into the reasoning behind statements or actions, but it’s crucial to maintain a tone of curiosity without sounding accusatory. Questions like “Why wasn’t it finished on time?” or “Why was this kept quiet?” can quickly turn an inquiry into what feels like an interrogation.
Guidelines for Probing with Why:
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Preface Tough Questions: Acknowledge when a question might come off as blunt or harsh. For example:
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“What I’m about to ask might sound blunt, but all I want to do is understand…”
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Clarify Your Intentions: Before you probe, explain why you’re asking the question. This disclosure helps set a cooperative tone and reduces defensiveness.
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Ask Directly: Once you’ve set the context, feel free to ask directly, like “How and why did we lose so much money on something that’s so cheap to produce?”
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3 – Nudging for More Information:
Sometimes, softer approaches can be more effective, especially with people who are brief or defensive. Use phrases like:
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“Tell me more.”
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“Go on…”
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“I’m still not absolutely clear on…”
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“I wonder why that might be…”
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“Because…?”
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4 – Using ‘Really’ for Depth:
Inserting the word “really” can prompt deeper, more honest responses. For example:
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“Why work here? I mean, really, why do you work here?”
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“What’s really going on here?”
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By mastering these probing techniques, you can uncover more meaningful insights in your conversations, leading to better understanding and problem-solving.
Chapter 6 Balancing – Keeping it rich, equal and fair
In everyday conversations, an imbalance might not be very impactful, like a supermarket trolley that pulls slightly to one side. But in important discussions, maintaining balance is critical.
1. Taking Turns
When one person dominates a conversation, it often stops being a dialogue and turns into a monologue. To maintain balance:
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Encourage taking turns by limiting speaking times to a few seconds or minutes.
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Use phrases to invite quieter participants to speak, such as “I’ve been talking for a while now, your turn,” or “I’d like to hear your thoughts on this.”
2. Effective Interruptions
For those who are naturally reserved but need to interject in a conversation:
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Wait for a Pause: Look for a natural break in the conversation, such as when the speaker takes a breath or pauses for thought.
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Signal Your Intention: Before you speak, make a small gesture like raising your hand or nodding to indicate you want to contribute.
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Acknowledge the Interruption: Politely acknowledge that you are interrupting. Example: “I know I’m jumping in here, but I think I have something important to add.”
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State Your Point: Clearly express your thoughts or questions.
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Reconnect to the Original Point: After making your interruption, reconnect to the discussion by referencing what was being discussed. Example: “Now, when I stopped you, you were talking about the difference between profit and growth.”
3. Mixing Perspectives
A diverse conversation seeks different viewpoints to enrich the discussion. Initially, state obvious differences to bring various perspectives into the conversation, such as:
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“So far, we’ve discussed the practical drawbacks. Does anyone think the plan isn’t ambitious enough?”
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Challenge typical roles by encouraging participants to think outside their comfort zones, like imagining a scenario from a less privileged perspective.
4. Balancing Power
In any group, differences in status due to experience, age, or job roles can skew a conversation. To manage these differences:
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Acknowledge the imbalance openly, e.g., “You’re obviously much more informed on this than I am.”
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Counterbalance by inviting input from those with less apparent status, suggesting, “I’m happy for you to lead on this, but let me offer an outsider’s perspective…”
By following these steps, you can ensure that your conversations are balanced, inclusive, and productive.
Chapter 7 Pausing – Time to think
Pausing seems simple—it’s just stopping talking for a moment and allowing silence. However, it’s not just about mechanics; effectively pausing can be challenging, especially because it feels unnatural for many people. In cultures where constant talking is seen as making progress, silence can feel particularly awkward.
Why Pause?
Pausing is beneficial when the conversation is tense or the stakes are high. It prevents you from saying something you might regret. How often have you wished you thought more before speaking? Pausing gives you that crucial thinking space.
How to Introduce a Pause
To make pausing less awkward, you can explicitly set the stage for it. Here are some simple phrases to smoothly introduce a pause:
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“Hold on for a moment. I’m just thinking. Let me collect my thoughts.”
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“Okay, I have a few thoughts on that… Give me a moment.”
By using these phrases, you give yourself permission to think and ensure that others understand why you’re pausing.
Managing the Urge to Fill Silence
During a pause, especially after making a significant point or asking a question, resist the urge to keep talking. Here’s how you can manage different impulses to fill the silence:
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Variation 1: You might feel the need to clarify your point further.
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Variation 2: You may start doubting your statement and begin adding conditions or caveats.
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Variation 3: You could attempt to rephrase your statement for clarity.
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Variation 4: If there’s no immediate response, you might want to simplify your question to make it easier to answer.
Instead of giving in to these urges, if the silence is deafening you can use these filler sentences to fill the silence why you wait for someone else to reply:
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“Take your time.”
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“Just take a minute to think about it.”
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“There’s no rush.”
By effectively using pauses, you allow space for thoughtful responses and deeper engagement in conversations.
Chapter 8 Suspending Who knows?
It’s human nature to form quick judgments, especially when time is short. We’re wired to categorise and move on quickly, a trait deeply embedded in our instincts, much like the simple binary reactions of digital interactions: like or dislike, good or bad, will work or won’t work. However, this instinct can oversimplify complex situations and close off potential innovative solutions.
How to Suspend Judgment
1. Bracketing:
Bracketing is a psychological technique where you recognise your instinctive judgments but set them aside. When you catch yourself making a snap judgment about a word, a look, or a fact, acknowledge it, but metaphorically place it in brackets. You can either write it down and physically move the paper aside or imagine placing these thoughts in brackets and letting them drift out of your immediate focus.
2. Embracing Curiosity:
Stay curious and open to possibilities. Curiosity drives creativity and combats cynicism. When faced with a situation, instead of settling with the initial judgment, ask yourself:
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“What if we looked at this differently?”
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“Could there be another way to approach this?”
3. Radical Openness:
In moments of deep uncertainty or when solutions seem out of reach, the ability to suspend usual thinking is crucial. It might require boldness to challenge the status quo or propose what seems unthinkable. This could be the key to unlocking new, effective solutions. Consider using phrases that open up new lines of thinking:
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“I think… I might be changing my mind.”
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“Maybe this isn’t going to be quite what we thought it would be…”
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“If we’re going to change that… maybe we should change this, too.”
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“Wait a minute. Maybe we’re right, and everything except this bit is wrong.”
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“What would happen if we reversed the order completely?”
By practicing these techniques, you can better manage your natural inclination to make quick judgments and instead foster a more thoughtful, creative approach to problem-solving and everyday conversations.
Key thoughts
1. Bracket contrary or distracting thoughts. If you feel a wave of assumption breaking over you, acknowledge it. Put it in brackets and keep Listening.
2. Maintain a sense of wonder. Be curious.
3. Be prepared to change your mind
Chapter 9 Disclosing – Putting your background into the foreground
Disclosing means openly sharing what you’re thinking. While honesty sounds ideal, there are several reasons why you might hesitate, such as not wanting to upset someone, appear rude, or seem foolish.
Preparation
To foster an environment where you can be honest, it’s crucial to set the stage for openness at the start of your conversation. This involves clearly stating the importance and expectations of honesty in the discussion—like setting an informal agreement or contract for the dialogue.
How to Tell the Truth Well
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Share Your Intention: Before delivering a difficult truth, explain why you need to say it. This prep work helps make the truth easier for the other person to accept. Clearly articulate your reasons first, then share your thoughts.
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Keep It Personal: Frame your statements as your own perspective. This approach avoids the pitfalls of generalizations and assumptions, which can dilute the impact of your words. Use phrases that emphasize it’s your viewpoint, such as:
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“It seems to me as though…”
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“My experience of it is that…”
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“I can say only what it feels like from where I’m standing.”
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“Here’s what it looks like from my point of view…”
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When you speak from your personal perspective, you present your views as exactly that—yours. This not only prevents you from being objectively “wrong” but also clarifies that these are your observations, open to agreement or disagreement.
Chapter 10 Building – Co-creating new stuff
Sometimes, conversations are crucial because they’re about creating something together. This could be a new workflow, solving a problem, or developing a quick response to an unexpected opportunity. Unlike simply sharing ideas, co-creating involves building those ideas together.
However, co-creating isn’t always easy due to natural tendencies that interfere, such as:
Ego
Often, our egos prevent us from truly collaborating. We might instinctively prefer our ideas over others, leading to dismissing suggestions not originated by us. This can make it challenging to genuinely co-create, as we might propose our ideas instead of building on existing ones.
Mission Drift
Another common issue is getting caught up in the excitement of an idea’s potential before fully understanding it. This “mission drift” can lead conversations off course, focusing more on the excitement rather than the practical development of the idea.
The “Yes, but…” Mindset
Our ability to foresee problems can hinder co-creation. Quickly pointing out flaws with the phrase “Yes, but…” can stifle an idea before it’s fully developed. This predictive instinct can be damaging if not managed carefully.
Strategies for Effective Co-Creation
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Shift from ‘My Idea’ to ‘Our Idea’ Embrace each suggestion as part of a collective effort. Even if you’re not fully convinced by an idea, try to build on it rather than dismissing it. This helps create a more inclusive and productive environment for innovation.
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Stay on Course Remind yourself of the conversation’s purpose to avoid drifting off-topic. This focus helps maintain the direction and productivity of the discussion.
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Adopt a “Yes, and…” Approach Instead of shutting down ideas with “Yes, but…”, try “Yes, and…” to add to the conversation constructively. This encourages a more open and additive dialogue, where every contribution is valued and built upon.
By addressing these challenges and adopting these strategies, you can more effectively co-create in your conversations, leading to richer and more meaningful outcomes.
Part 2 – The Situations
Having covered the 10 core skills of conversation, it’s time now to move into the second part. The section where these skills are put to work in a variety of situations. It’s worth noting that all of the skills are important, or at least they could be. But some are more important then others in each situation.
Chapter 11 – I’d be perfect for you
A job interview can often feel overwhelming, especially when we’re trying to remember numerous things while battling nerves and a shaken confidence. However, it’s important to remember that at its core, an interview is just a conversation with a purpose: to find the right person for the job.
Navigating the Interview
Instead of treating the interview like a ping-pong match of questions and answers, use it as an opportunity to engage in a meaningful conversation. For example, when asked a question, guide the interviewer through your thought process:
“Okay. How about I give you an overview first of what my old company was really focused on and then get into a couple of examples to illustrate what I did most in my old job?”
This approach helps the interviewer follow along with your answer and reduces the likelihood of interruptions.
Using Disclosing to Your Advantage
Being open about your thoughts can significantly enhance the interview. Disclosing what you’re really thinking shows that you’re comfortable with honesty, an essential trait for any job. It makes you appear less like a stranger and more like a trustworthy candidate. For instance, being open about your thought process:
“I think…I might be changing my mind about this approach.”
This kind of honesty not only makes the conversation more authentic but also demonstrates your ability to reflect and adapt.
Describe and Pause
In the limited time of an interview, how you use words matters. Be thoughtful in your responses and don’t rush. For example, when asked about your strengths, instead of rushing into an answer, take a moment:
“Interesting question. Can I take just a second or two? I want to give you a helpful answer.”
This not only buys you time to think but also shows that you are considerate and deliberate in your responses.
By applying these simple conversational techniques, you can transform a stressful interview into an engaging and effective exchange that showcases your best qualities.
Chapter 12 – You’d be perfect for us
Finding the right candidate is essential for the growth and stability of any business. Let’s explore how to avoid common pitfalls and conduct an interview that brings out the best in candidates.
Common Pitfalls in Hiring
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Candidate Desperation: Sometimes, a candidate wants the job so badly that it clouds their suitability for the role.
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Preconceived Notions: Entering an interview with a fixed idea of wanting the candidate to either succeed or fail can skew the objectivity of the interview process.
Creating the Right Environment
Time and Space: As an interviewer, it’s your responsibility to create a conducive environment that allows for a productive conversation. This means managing the pace and flow of the interview to make it as effective as possible.
Techniques for Effective Interviews
Navigate and Disclose:
Begin by setting the stage for an honest and open dialogue. Explain the structure of the interview upfront to put the candidate at ease. For example, instead of springing a question like, “If you could change one thing about your career so far, what would it be?” without context, try framing it within your company values:
“Let’s start with a broad question. We value learning from mistakes here, so I’d like to know, if you could change one thing about your career so far, what would it be?”
Listen and Probe:
Effective listening can reveal more than just the answers to your questions. Pay attention to subtle cues such as hesitation before speaking or emphasis on certain words. These can lead to deeper insights when followed up with thoughtful probing.
Suspend and Describe:
Keep an open mind throughout the interview. Avoid jumping to conclusions based on initial impressions. Also, be mindful of your language. The words you choose can significantly influence how the candidate perceives the role and your company. Strive to be clear, concise, and compelling in your descriptions.
By integrating these strategies, you can transform the interview process into a dynamic conversation that not only evaluates the candidates but also engages them in a way that brings their true potential to the forefront.
Chapter 13 – Good call
Making good decisions involves overcoming two main challenges: time and information. Here’s how you can address these through effective conversation techniques
Managing Time
Often, the biggest obstacle to decision-making is not the lack of time, but how we use it. For example, an event planned over six months might end up being rushed in the last six weeks due to poor time management. To avoid this, address key decisions early on. If you’re organizing a conference, for instance, decide on your venue and speakers early to avoid last-minute scrambles and wasted efforts on unfeasible options.
Ensuring Informed Choices
Making informed decisions requires solid, reliable information. Simply discussing options A, B, and C isn’t effective if these options haven’t been thoroughly evaluated. Good conversations focus on well-sourced and critically assessed information, moving beyond superficial details to explore relevance and new possibilities.
Techniques for Effective Decision-Making Conversations
Navigate:
Start by clearly defining the conversation’s purpose and scope. This approach helps prevent scope creep and makes it easier to keep the discussion on track. For example: “Let’s clearly define what we need to achieve in this conversation, so we can focus our efforts and avoid getting sidetracked.”
Disclose:
Be transparent about your thoughts and intentions. Clear communication can significantly speed up the decision-making process. For instance:
“This is a crucial decision. Let’s be upfront about what we think. It’s okay to disagree; it’s more important that we are clear and honest with each other.”
Check:
Always verify what you’ve heard to ensure understanding and accuracy. This can prevent misunderstandings and refine the decision-making process. You might ask:
“Can you confirm that I’ve understood this correctly?”
“Is there anything you’d like to add or correct?”
Probe:
Use targeted questions to dive deeper into the information presented, ensuring it’s robust enough to base decisions on. Ask questions like:
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“Are we confident these facts are accurate?”
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“Where did these numbers come from?”
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“Does everyone understand what these figures mean?”
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“How reliable is this source?”
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“What are the key takeaways from this data?”
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“Which figures are most critical for our decision?”
By focusing on these areas, you can make the most of your conversations and ensure that your decisions are both timely and well-informed.
Chapter 14 – Just a couple of thoughts for you
Feedback is crucial for personal and professional growth, yet it can be challenging due to several barriers, such as busy schedules and the tendency to only give feedback when things go wrong. Here’s how to conduct effective feedback conversations:
Navigate the Conversation
Create a safe environment for feedback. It’s essential to be aware of the sensitivity of feedback discussions, which often involve criticism. Start by setting clear expectations about the conversation’s nature, helping both parties feel prepared and secure. This approach ensures that the conversation remains productive, even when discussing difficult topics.
Disclose Honestly
Transparency is key in feedback sessions. It’s not just about pointing out what needs improvement; it’s also about expressing how certain behaviors or outcomes make you feel. Use personal disclosures to foster an open dialogue:
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“I felt relieved when you took the initiative on that project.”
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“I’m concerned about how this mistake could affect our team’s performance.”
Describe with Precision
The language you choose can significantly impact how feedback is received. Be precise and specific in your descriptions to avoid misunderstandings. Focus on particular instances rather than generalising:
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“During last week’s presentation, I noticed you struggled with the Q&A session. Let’s talk about how we can prepare better next time.”
Listen, Suspend, and Check
Listen actively and keep an open mind. Avoid letting past experiences color your perceptions of the current situation. Suspend any preconceived notions and check to ensure you’ve understood the other person’s perspective accurately:
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“When you mentioned feeling overwhelmed, were you referring to the new software tools? Do we need to look into additional training?”
Reflect on the Conversation
At the end of a feedback session, it’s beneficial to reflect on how the conversation went. This can help both parties understand the effectiveness of the feedback and improve future discussions. Ask each other:
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“How did this conversation feel for you? Is there anything we could do differently next time to make it more constructive?”
By integrating these practices, you can transform feedback conversations from daunting tasks into opportunities for meaningful growth and learning.
Key thoughts
1. Initiate your own feedback conversation, don’t wait for someone to do it for you. And, whichever side of it you’re on, Navigate well to set up clearly what the purpose and the territory of it is.
2. Be honest. Say what’s really happening from your point of view by Disclosing and Describing things as precisely and as personally as you can.
3. Look to improve the process of feedback. Navigate and extend the conversation so you can check in with how it was for both of you, every time you get it or give it. That way, next time it’ll be easier, more relevant and more thorough.
Chapter 15 – Imagine this
To maintain a competitive edge, businesses must continually innovate, not just maintain the status quo. In today’s digital age, creativity is more accessible, making it essential for businesses to consistently seek new ideas and improvements.
Encouraging New Ideas
Creativity in business involves generating new thoughts and solutions — whether it’s finding new ways to serve customers, improving logistics, or discovering fresh marketing channels. The businesses that lead in innovation are those that are proactive in exploring new opportunities and applications.
Key Strategies for Creative Conversations
Build and Allow Development:
Encourage the initial sparks of ideas without immediate judgment. It’s vital to allow ideas to develop and mature, as even those that don’t end up working can provide valuable insights.
Balance and Navigate:
Creativity thrives on diversity of thought. Balancing different perspectives is crucial. Recognise any imbalance in the conversation, address it, and aim to explore various viewpoints. Navigation helps keep the conversation focused, ensuring that exploratory discussions remain productive and on track.
Listen, Check, and Probe:
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Listening: Pay attention to the nuances in conversations, as these can lead to unexpected discoveries and ideas.
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Checking: Regularly confirm understandings to ensure alignment and that the conversation remains mutually informative. This process helps integrate different perspectives into a cohesive plan.
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Probing: Dive deeper into the discussion with targeted questions that uncover the underlying reasons or motivations behind ideas. Questions like “What is the real purpose behind this product?” or “Why do we think this strategy will work?” are crucial for digging deeper.
Effective Techniques for Creative Engagement
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Building: Recognize an emerging idea and nurture it. Let it evolve by providing a supportive environment free from premature criticism.
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Balancing: Creativity needs a range of ideas. Ensure all voices are heard and consider opposing views to foster a rich discussion.
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Navigating: Guide the conversation to prevent it from veering off course. Use statements like, “Let’s try this direction for now,” to maintain focus while exploring different ideas.
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Probing: Use insightful questions to explore ideas further. This could involve asking about the implications of an idea or how it fits into the broader business strategy.
By integrating these strategies into business conversations, you can enhance your team’s creative output and ensure your company remains at the forefront of innovation.
Chapter 16 – When yes isn’t an option
Delivering bad news is one of the toughest challenges in the workplace, whether it’s about job loss, denied requests, or budget cuts. How you handle these conversations can significantly impact the recipient’s experience and their reaction to the news.
Preparing to Deliver Bad News
Understand and Empathize:
Before the conversation, take the time to understand the recipient’s perspective and what the news will mean for them. Consider the impact on their status, finances, or personal development.
Set the Scene:
Clearly define the purpose of the conversation from the start. Explain the structure of the discussion, ensuring they know what to expect and demonstrating your understanding of the news’ significance.
Handling the Conversation
Deliver the News Clearly:
Avoid beating around the bush or engaging in small talk that could be misinterpreted. Provide a clear and straightforward explanation of the situation right away.
Explain Without Overloading:
After delivering the news, continue to provide context and background to help them understand the decision, but avoid overwhelming them with unnecessary details.
Pause and Allow Processing:
Give them time to absorb the information. This pause is crucial for them to process the news without the pressure of responding immediately.
Rebalance the Conversation:
Once the initial news has been shared and discussed, shift the conversation to allow for more interaction. This helps move the dialogue from a monologue to a more balanced conversation, where they can express their thoughts and feelings.
After Delivering the News
Navigate and Engage:
Guide the conversation towards potential next steps or alternatives. This helps restore balance and gives the recipient a sense of involvement and control over the conversation’s direction.
Offer Support:
End the conversation by offering support and assistance. Whether it’s discussing potential opportunities, adjustments, or simply providing a listening ear, make it clear that you are there to help.
Handling difficult conversations with clarity, empathy, and respect can help mitigate the sting of bad news and preserve professional relationships.
Chapter 17 – We’re all in this together
Group conversations are vital in the workplace, not only for decision-making but also for fostering a sense of involvement and generating ideas. While having multiple contributors can sometimes complicate discussions, effectively managed group dynamics can lead to richer, more creative outcomes.
Effective Navigation
In group settings, guiding the conversation becomes crucial. It involves setting clear objectives and boundaries from the start, which helps maintain focus and prevents the discussion from going off-track. The person navigating doesn’t have to be the leader; anyone can take on this role to ensure the conversation remains purposeful.
Maintaining Balance
Properly navigating helps maintain balance in the conversation. It’s important to encourage a diversity of viewpoints and consciously seek out counter-opinions to ensure all perspectives are considered. This enriches the discussion and prevents any single viewpoint from dominating unfairly.
Open Disclosure
In group settings, there’s a risk of individuals diluting their opinions for the sake of agreement. To have the most productive conversations, participants should be encouraged to speak openly and honestly. Disclosing one’s true thoughts, even when they might not align with the group’s, is essential for authenticity and depth in the discussion.
Listening and Checking
Misunderstandings are more likely in group conversations due to the number of participants. Active listening followed by frequent checks for understanding can prevent confusion and ensure clarity. Taking the time to confirm details or clarify points can ultimately save time by avoiding future misunderstandings.
Suspend Judgment and Build
Keep an open mind throughout the discussion. Pay attention to minority opinions or unconventional ideas—they can often lead to breakthroughs. Suspend judgment and allow all voices to be heard, as this can uncover valuable insights that might otherwise be overlooked.
By focusing on these strategies, group conversations can become a powerful tool for innovation and decision-making, transforming the typical “decision by committee” into a positive and productive experience.
Chapter 18 – Cancel everything
In crisis situations, conversations carry significant weight and require careful handling to ensure decisions are made effectively. Here’s how to approach these crucial discussions:
Honest Disclosure
Transparency is key during a crisis. While it might be tempting to soften the blow by altering the truth, honesty fosters trust and ensures all participants have a clear understanding of the situation. Be forthright about the realities of the crisis and avoid speculating or causing unnecessary panic by sticking to verified information.
Steady Navigation
In times of crisis, guiding the conversation becomes even more crucial. Emotional responses and high stress levels can easily derail discussions. Maintaining control and keeping the conversation on track helps ensure that all necessary topics are addressed calmly and effectively. Set the agenda clearly at the start and stick to it.
Concise Description and Strategic Pauses
When emotions are heightened and every second counts, being concise is vital. Focus on delivering information succinctly and clearly. After conveying critical information, allow moments for it to be absorbed. Strategic pauses give others a chance to process the information and prepare their responses, which is essential for thoughtful decision-making.
Key Techniques for Crisis Conversations:
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Be Transparent: Always communicate the truth as clearly as possible.
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Control the Flow: Actively manage the conversation to avoid digressions or escalations.
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Be Concise: Limit your words to essential information to prevent confusion.
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Allow Processing Time: Introduce pauses after important points to help others understand and react appropriately.
By adhering to these principles, you can lead effective and constructive conversations even in the most challenging crisis situations, ensuring decisions are made with clarity and consideration.
Key thoughts
1. When things are in crisis, Disclose whatever you can, but only what you know to be true or else you risk adding to uncertainty.
2. Navigating is crucial when people are anxious and panicking. Stay focused on clarity of purpose. You don’t need to have answers; keeping things calm is a hugely useful contribution to a conversation that needs to create swift, but thoughtful, action.
3. Check, Listen and Suspend, even though the clock is ticking. You might unearth new and unexpected ideas by resisting the urge to make hasty, binary decisions based on on the first things you hear
Chapter 19 – That special someone
The relationship between you and your boss is unique primarily due to the nature of their role. Unlike most other relationships in your life, your boss is someone who has been appointed to oversee and influence how you work and manage your time, and this appointment is made by others, not by you.
Navigating Conversations with Your Boss
Communicating effectively with your boss can sometimes be challenging due to perceived constraints. Here are some common issues and how to address them:
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Expressing Honest Opinions:
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Problem: There’s a fear that being honest might lead to disagreement or disapproval.
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Solution: Approach conversations with honesty, but be tactful. It’s important to express your true thoughts in a respectful and constructive manner. This can build trust and lead to more open communication.
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Sharing Accurate Information:
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Problem: There’s a temptation to alter details to make them more palatable.
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Solution: Always strive to provide accurate and factual updates. This helps in making informed decisions and establishes your reliability.
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Maintaining Professionalism:
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Problem: You might feel the need to detach from outcomes to safeguard your position.
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Solution: While it’s wise to remain professional, ensure you’re engaged and committed to your responsibilities. Show that you care about the results and are proactive in seeking solutions to potential issues.
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Key thoughts
1. Make the decision to talk with and Listen to your Boss with an open mind. Suspend what you think you know about them. And reclaim the Balance in status between you, if only for the duration of the conversation.
2. Work with your boss, not against him or her. Give yourself the best chance of co-creating a positive outcome to a conversation, by Navigating well at the start. Make sure you find out why you’re both having the conversation. A shared motivation is an enriched fuel that will take you further.
3. If it serves the conversation, be bold enough to Disclose. First say why you need to be honest. And then, be honest
Chapter 20 – The customer is king (or queen)
Conversation as great service
Customer service is fundamental to any business, whether you’re serving food or supplying products globally. The quality of interaction between service providers and customers is crucial and often sets businesses apart.
Key Strategies for Customer Service Conversations
Navigate and Describe:
Effective communication is essential in customer service. Start by clearly setting the conversation’s purpose, which shows the customer you value the interaction and are committed to resolving any issues. For example, you might say:
“I want to explain exactly what’s been happening so you at least know what’s going on. Then we can choose what the best plan of action is from there. Yes?”
This approach not only clarifies the intent but also invites the customer to join in solving the problem, transforming potential feelings of isolation into partnership.
Be Clear and Concise:
When delivering information, especially in tricky situations, be direct and detailed yet concise. This helps illuminate the issue for the customer, preventing them from feeling left in the dark. Here’s how you might approach it:
“Let me give you the full context quickly so you can see the whole picture clearly.”
Engage and Include the Customer:
Great customer service is a collaborative effort. Avoid defaulting to vague reassurances and instead, engage the customer in the decision-making process. Use inclusive language and offer choices:
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“Let’s decide together how to move forward.”
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Change your language from ‘I’ to ‘we’.
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“Here are some options we could consider. What do you think?”
Disclose Honestly:
Customers appreciate transparency, especially during service recovery. Being open about the situation helps build trust. You might say:
“Can I be really straight with you about what’s happening?”
Listen, Suspend, and Check:
Truly listen to the customer with an open mind, setting aside your own assumptions. Confirm understanding to ensure you’re addressing the right issues:
“So, to make sure I’ve got it right, you’re feeling… because…?”
Probe with Sensitivity:
Ask probing questions based on the customer’s responses to dig deeper into their concerns and preferences:
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“So tell me why you really feel like that about it.”
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“What is it that gives you that shiver you mentioned?”
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“When you say beautiful… what do you mean?”
These strategies help maintain a productive dialogue, enhancing the customer’s experience and potentially turning a challenging interaction into a positive one.
Chapter 21 – Next slide, please
1. Capture your audience by Describing with powerful language. And Navigate us through the journey of the presentation.
2. Check and Probe to ask yourself questions that create the rhythms of a conversation.
3. Listen to your audience’s reaction, then Disclose to create a rich authentic relationship with them.