What you will learn from reading How to Win Friends and Influence People:
– How to become interested in people and in the process become interesting to them.
– The ability to create long lasting friendships as well as improve current ones.
– How to get your point across in the most efficient of ways.
“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.”
Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Criticism & Anger
Even if you convince someone in an argument that they are wrong, their pride may not allow them to back down. And in turn they resent you.
Popularity = being able to deal with people
Assess the situation, to figure out a way of communicating.
Only knowledge that is used sticks in the head. We need to remember to apply it.
People normally believe in what they’re saying because they rationalise it, hence why criminals believe they’re in the right.
The brain doesn’t like to admit that its wrong. So, it rationalises everything in line with its original opinion.
Criticism
- Criticism puts a person on the back foot, so it makes them want to strive even more. Criticism attacks their importance and pride.
- By criticising, we end up incurring resentment in the other person.
- As much as we strive for approval, we hate any feedback of disapproval.
“Don’t criticise them, they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.” Abraham Lincoln
When in a mood of anger you should not make decisions.
Mark Twain would let off his steam by writing letters to his enemies and critics. He would give them to his wife to post, she would go along with it but never post them.
Anyone can criticise and complain, but it is much harder to understand the things that you criticise/ the reasons why you want to complain about the other person.
Why You Shouldn’t Complain
- You are always going to have the ability to complain if you set such a high pedestal for that person.
- People shouldn’t criticise as the other person will have had a different life experience and so may see things differently due to, career, age, country etc.
‘It was not that I didn’t love you, it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring by the yardstick of my own years.”
- E.g. if I was 18, I would be thinking with my 18 years of experience, its very easy to criticise someone who is younger and hasn’t had the difference in your years of experience.
PRINCIPLE 1: Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
Appreciation or Flattery?
To make someone do something, you need to make them want to do it.
The act of doing comes from two drives, sex and ambition to be great. This in turn means the desire to be important.
Criticism from people we look up to or have authority kills ambition.
Self-esteem needs nourishment. Society today rewards the wrong traits. Not those that emphasise who we really are, but fake ones that conform to societies views.
Appreciation and flattery are different. Appreciation is sincere and unselfish, whereas flattery is insincere and selfish.
Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about themselves.
Find the part in the person that you admire and focus on that, that way you won’t have to lie or flatter.
You will only come across most people/interactions once, so you only have one shot at being nice, so you might as well take it.
PRINCIPLE 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
How to Get People To Do Things You Want Them To
The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Try to see the subject at hand in the perspective of the other person.
E.g. you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want, but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.
To get someone to do something, you need to align it with their values.
The world is full of people who are trying to take advantage of others, so the person who actually wants to help normally has a big advantage.
PRINCIPLE 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You
Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere
Don’t try and get people to be interested in you, try and be interested in other.
The more interested you are in something, the more interesting you become.
“If an author doesn’t like people, people won’t like his or her stories.”
PRINCIPLE 4: Be Genuinely interested in People
Focus on the Action – the ‘Doing’
‘There is nothing either good or bad, but thinkers make it so’
Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.
Focus on the bliss of doing things, so therefore you jump on opportunities for the sake of doing things.
PRINCIPLE 5: Smile
Play to Peoples Egos… Especially Their Names
Because people hold their name in such high regard, something being named after them is a very enticing offer.
An important thing we should do is remembering names and making people feel important.
Ask the name of the people who work where you go often.
The name sets individuals out from the rest of the crowd, it makes them feel unique.
PRINCIPLE 6: A Persons Name is the Sweetest Sound in the English Language
Make Sure you ‘ACTIVELY’ Listen
Listen Intently, the best compliment we can give.
Listening is not silence, it is a form of activity.
They are so worried about what they are going to say next, that they forget to listen.
PRINCIPLE 7: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Others Interests
Whenever Theodore Roosevelt was expecting a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested in.
Learn to find an interest in what others find interesting. This will give you a massive advantage and will bridge the gap between you.
Study up on what you’re friends or colleagues are interested in.
PRINCIPLE 8: Talk in terms of other peoples interests.
Making Others Feel Important
Always make the other person feel important.
So, if you make the subject about them, they will feel more inclined to help you. Using phrases like, I’m sorry to trouble you? Would you be so kind to? Would you mind?
Almost all the people that you meet feel superior to you in some way.
Talk to people about themselves
PRINCIPLE 9: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
There’s No Point in Arguing
The best way to have an argument is to just avoid it.
A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.
So if someone is convinced of something because they are wrong, they still won’t want to change their opinion.
You might win the fight, but you wont win the war.
The brain doesn’t like to admit that it’s wrong.
If you argue and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes, but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.
How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument.
- Welcome the disagreement
- Distrust your first impression, our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive.
- Control your temper
- Listen first
- Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree
PRINCIPLE 10: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Don’t be Certain
If you can’t be sure of being right even 55% of the time, why should you tell other people they are wrong?
We need to wake up to the fact that most of the things we talk about aren’t certain, it is an illusion we have created for ourselves to feel more comfortable in the unknown.
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know that you are trying to prove something.
- Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot
- You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him to find it within himself
- Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so
“One thing only I know, is that I know nothing.”
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong
It is obviously not the idea themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened
Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgement, rather than an understanding of it.
Few people like to listen to truths that reflect on their judgements
Benjamin Franklins autobiography ‘I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as ‘certainly,’ ‘undoubtedly,’ etc, and I adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive,’ ‘I apprehend,’ or ‘I imagine’ a thing to be so or so, or ‘it so appears to me at present.’
PRINCIPLE 11: Show respect for the other persons opinions. Never say ‘you’re wrong’
If You’re Wrong, Admit It
If we know we are going to be criticised anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?
It raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and triumphant to admit one’s mistakes.
If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking.
PRINCIPLE 12: If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
Become a Friend not a Foe
If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.
Win his trust before you win a man to your cause.
Gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.
“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” Lincoln
PRINCIPLE 13: Begin in a friendly way
Start With the Yes
In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasising the things on which you agree. When you say ‘No,’ your pride tends to demand that you remain consistent with yourself.
The skilful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of ‘Yes,’ responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.
When trying to convince someone of something, start with the things you know that they would agree with, that way they are saying yes in their heads and putting them in an affirmative mood and direction.
‘He who treads softly goes far.’
PRINCIPLE 14: Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.
Let the Other Person Do the Talking
Let the other person talk themselves out. They know more about their problems than you do. So, ask them questions.
If you disagree with them, you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t it is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own.
Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his or her struggles.
Encourage the other person to do most of the talking.
People would much rather talk about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.
Only mention your achievements when they ask.
PRINCIPLE 15: Let the other person do a great deal of talking.
Cooperation
No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas.
Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family life as well.
“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them.”
PRINCIPLE 16: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
In Someone Else’s Shoes
Always try to think how you would feel or react in someone else’s shoes.
Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other persons viewpoint.
Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other persons ideas and feelings as important as your own.
PRINCIPLE 17: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Sympathy
3/4 of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy.
I had apologised and sympathised with her point of view
If you apologise and sympathise with their point of view, it will make them apologise and sympathise with your point of view.
PRINCIPLE 18: Be sympathetic with the other person’s idea and desire
Find the Real Motive
The fact is that all people that you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.
A person usually has two reasons for doing a something,
- Because it sounds good
- And the real one
When no information can be secured from the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere.
People are honest and want to discharge their obligations.
PRINCIPLE 19: Appeal to the nobler motives
Dramatise
Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
PRINCIPLE 20: Dramatise your ideas
Give Them a Chance
The way to get things done, is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid money getting way, but in the desire to excel.
The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves, the game. The chance for self-expression.
PRINCIPLE 21: Throw down a challenge
Part 4: Be Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment
Start with Praise
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. When we invert this and apply it to someone, we realise the best way for someone to listen to things they may not agree with is to start with things they would.
PRINCIPLE 22: Begin with praise and honest appreciation
But or And
Simply changing one three letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offence or arousing resentment. The word is ‘But’.
The word ‘but’ can suggest a contradiction to what the other has been saying, this in turn can elicit a feeling of attack.
This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.’
PRINCIPLE 23: Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly.
Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticising begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
Admitting one’s own mistakes, even when one hasn’t corrected them, can help convince someone to change.
PRINCIPLE 24: Talk about your own mistakes before you start criticising the other person
Don’t Order, Question
Do this or do that, don’t do this or don’t do that. Try and say. ‘You might consider this,’ or ‘Do you think that?’ This putting the control in the hands of the other person but on the subject at hand.
Resentment caused by brash order may last a long time, even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable, it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if thy have had a part in the decision that cause the order to be issued.
PRINCIPLE 25: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Let the Other Person Save Face
We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticising a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride.
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
PRINCIPLE 26: Let the other person save face
Praise the Little Things
When criticism is minimised and praise emphasised, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.
All of this was a result of praising the slightest improvements in the children rather than condemning everything they did wrong.
Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere.
Unlike when we play video games, in real life we don’t necessarily get positive feedback every time we do something good. If we can help people by praising small improvements, it is likely they will continue on the right path.
Abilities wither under criticism, they blossom under encouragement.
PRINCIPLE 27: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
Give Something Others Can Live Up To
If you want to improve a person in a certain in respect, act as though that particular trait was already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
E.g. “I had always thought of you as someone who handed in work on time.” – this gives them an idea of how other people see them and an aspiration to live up to it.
PRINCIPLE 28: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Don’t Criticise Someone for Trying
The first teacher had discouraged me by emphasising my mistakes. This new teacher did the opposite. She kept praising the things I did right and minimising my errors.
Let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it.
Don’t destroy someone’s incentive to do something by criticising them.
PRINCIPLE 29: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
How to Suggest
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
When telling someone to do something, try and point out the benefits for them.
PRINCIPLE 30: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
The Principles
PRINCIPLE 1: Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
PRINCIPLE 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
PRINCIPLE 3: Around in the other person an eager want.
PRINCIPLE 4: Be Genuinely interested in People
PRINCIPLE 5: Smile
PRINCIPLE 6: A Persons Name is the Sweetest Sound in the English Language
PRINCIPLE 7: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
PRINCIPLE 8: Talk in terms of other peoples interests.
PRINCIPLE 9: Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.
PRINCIPLE 10: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
PRINCIPLE 11: Show respect for the other persons opinions. Never say ‘you’re wrong’
PRINCIPLE 12: If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
PRINCIPLE 13: Begin in a friendly way
PRINCIPLE 14: Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.
PRINCIPLE 15: Let the other person do a great deal of talking.
PRINCIPLE 16: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
PRINCIPLE 17: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
PRINCIPLE 18: Be sympathetic with the other person’s idea and desire
PRINCIPLE 19: Appeal to the nobler motives
PRINCIPLE 20: Dramatise your ideas
PRINCIPLE 21: Throw down a challenge
PRINCIPLE 22: Begin with praise and honest appreciation
PRINCIPLE 23: Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly.
PRINCIPLE 24: Talk about your own mistakes before you start criticising the other person
PRINCIPLE 25: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
PRINCIPLE 26: Let the other person save face
PRINCIPLE 27: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
PRINCIPLE 28: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
PRINCIPLE 29: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
PRINCIPLE 30: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest